50. Acknowledging and Dismantling Fear’s Presence In Our Lives: An Interview with Karen Maezen Miller

Transcript

Hello and welcome to the If We Knew Then podcast. I’m Stephen Saux. 

And I’m Lori Saux.

And today we have the pleasure of another conversation with Maezen and today we’re gonna talk about fear and this conversation unfolded and such an enlightening way for me personally so it is a very personal journey with some great revelations of just finding a way to be here now completely in a conversation about fear and learning to be without fear welcome Maezen good to see you again yeah nice to see you again I didn’t realize when we set this up that it was Easter Sunday is it still okay for you do you want to move it to another day it’s perfect are not you know no it’s perfect yeah we have a household where I’m a Buddhist and my husband is Jewish and %HESITATION my relatives are Christians which is not surprising but %HESITATION my daughter before she learned fractions would say that’s because she wanted to belong to everything say I’m half Buddhist half Jewish and half Christian but then when she learned %HESITATION fractions which I think was in third grade she realized that was impossible but I did think that that expressed really every child’s desire to be included and to really experience that through family you know the inclusion and family a big family I think as adults sometimes we separate things but I think kids naturally want them to come together yeah because they’re much closer to that original state which is the undivided state and that’s kind of part of what I think we’ll we’ll talk about today my children aren’t born with that sense of separation that’s actually a learned and conditioned behavior and it’s useful you know it’s it helps us to function but at the same time it’s a delusion and it leads to all kinds of suffering we’re so glad to have you back to be able to talk some more today I was excited when you said fear because I love these talks I think there’s so many different talks that we can have and when you were talking about fear there’s so much there a lot of my relationship with Sophia she gets afraid of things and I think that we had discussed something that happened when she was very young it’s almost like %HESITATION I need your great action when she get she’ll get these fears fears of a dog barking in the street or or whatever it is should they don’t just it a well up in her and I think there’s that and then I think there’s also the fear is that we we talk about just as adults fears that stop us from pursuing her dreams are living our lives are taking that chance or loving someone you know deeper or what whatever dis there’s fears that so bank yes there is a barrier it’s always the barrier but that Berrier is a false barrier that’s what we have to see it’s the barrier that we racked by seeing ourselves as a part instead of S. one and %HESITATION because of that we have the sense of being ourselves in a very big dangerous uncontrollable place instead of simply seeing ourselves as United or as undivided or S. at home frankly when we are in our own homes we usually feel quite relaxed and secure %HESITATION I’m self conscious and that’s because we feel as if we are we belong but when we view the world as separate from us and other people are separate from us and that’s where we create and we live in a world of fear and the face of that fear is greed and anger and ignorance when children are very very little when they’re infants they don’t make those at that differentiation obviously I always wondered why I think is it because they don’t have language therefore they don’t have names for things and simply having names for things helps us to differentiate and separate ourselves from from life from the life around us but I can recall when my daughter turned to we gave her a yard toy you know knows plastic animals that kids can ride on and she was so taken with it and we have a video of her at two and she’s standing by this plastic elephant rocking elephant which was her toy and all she said was mine mine and she saw my husband she said Daddy no no Daddy mine and it was this you know such a thorough complete shocking demonstration of eco and the fact that then from there on out we live in that state which is an artificial straight state it’s a mental construct that we are this separate life separate being and that we have to defend ourselves from all kinds of dangers so are we all live in a world of fear and because it’s that universal default state of mind I think it’s so useful to really examine it in ourselves frankly to examine the role that fear plays in our own lives because as I’ve said before that’s really all we ever have to work with it sucks felts and it’s so illuminating when we take these lessons and consider what our motivations where are we coming from so that eagle yes which we all have and which is really quite useful is the source of fear in in our practice in my practice my teacher always says the basic ground you know the starting place from ego is fear and so of course we live in fear until we can recognize that that’s the place that we too often act and react from and it causes disharmony so that’s a good starting place there’s so much in their first because when kids are too that’s that’s what’s labeled the terrible twos which I I was told to fear we’re not we’re not going to give over to head I’m not just going to say okay you’re too you get to be terrible but I always felt like it was when for the first time she had a voice like as she understood that wait a second I have input here and so it’s it’s so %HESITATION interesting to me is that when the ego begins to develop and and the fears that are there like when did the fears really kick in you know if if it starts when when there too and and when you’re talking about just defending defending what is mine would that come with for the first time feeling like there’s a voice and there’s that input is it natural just to then even at that young of an age want to defend it sure once you have a concept of I me mine that’s really where you are coming from to defend oneself how to act in an aggressive way all of that is comes from the sense of trying to secure a place secure I self secure all all that that means now I say that that’s useful to observe it in a two year old or a three year old or a four year old but what’s really useful is to observe it in a sixty four year old Hey how often am I still walking into a situation and acting or reacting in that self defensive way that’s hated on seeing the people around me as threats and my fear is of losing some power or position or security it’s really the source of all trouble you see it’s really the source of all trouble if you look at the world as a whole all wars come about because there are sites that are defending different positions and sometimes they’re just abstract philosophical positions at least they appear to be but if we look down you know at the real source they’re defending profit or defending territory or defending all kinds of things that are used and and frankly it up in an effective way to secure power and borders and %HESITATION secure think they can’t be secured so I think in for myself just to realize that my fear of what what might happen my fear of what I might lose my fear of not getting what I want my fear of what will happen in the future it’s a huge the dominant contributor to how I experience my life she and who wants to experience their lives as if they’re you know in in a constant war nobody does but just to recognize that at the beginning and then every time it’s so subtle every time I’m in a conflict it’s because I didn’t get my way it’s so hard to admit I just wanted it to be a different way are my expectations weren’t met or I didn’t feel valued yeah all the things that we we have euphemisms for all the things that we think we deserve and that we need to get in order to feel something you see we’re all very very afraid and until we turn it actually recognize that we’re freight particularly for our children we can say as parents and you know that can seem like that’s our job we’re supposed to do that we’re supposed to anticipate these threats and can we see a grammar that what we’re really coming from is our own fear our own fear it’s not a bad thing we just have to be honest about it recently I was talking to a couple that I just found out they were pregnant so %HESITATION she’s about three months along and she said we’re so happy and we’re terrified at right away what occurred to me is that I was just a few days away from my daughter coming back home for a stay from college and I too felt so happy and terrified you talk of their life experience and I think the complexity of humans today is that we’re very spiritual because we can think and we have we have questions and we were looking for answers and and we don’t have the weight of survival as much as we did and I think when you look back at humanity that fear was very useful %HESITATION it protected us it our life experience was was living the next day not as much %HESITATION cerebral and spiritual if that makes sense and so I think a lot of the conflict inside of ourselves comes from being born in a way of survival learning that there’s more to that because that’s almost taken care of in a in a in a lot of ways just were protected more than we ever have been in certain societies and now we have the privilege of thinking and being deep have you well so we don’t need to fear for that the fear that is the opposite of of what we’re looking for there so to drop that may be a bit unnatural at first I mean you can you’re talking about two year old who naturally for years if we can settle into a peaceful place then I think we can work on the relationships with ourselves and with other people and with our spirituality yes you’re you’re absolutely right everything for me my deeper understanding always comes back to fourth grade science you know I think when I think I had my first encounter with you know who we are where we come from and I I I now think that fear something that really served us in the age of the saber toothed tiger you know where when we saw threat we had to run we had to look for an escape we had to run fast actually there still can be some circumstances that we encounter where we rely on that and stick dish impulse to fight or flee and %HESITATION you’re right that now we really don’t encounter that very often so we have to rely on imaginary fears in order to justify our fear and I like to say that fear resides in the future in the future we can imagine all the worst case scenarios the future is catastrophic the future is disappointing so we are living now we’re trying to live now in such a way that we can preempt or pre vent all of those terrible things from happening you know in the future I like to say that regret lives in the past is the past but fearless in the future so to see that then we know where our attention is if we’re fearful for the most part we’re over here in the future imagine something that is boxing for us we’re trying to prevent we’re trying to accomplish we’re trying to avoid and a lot of our mental life the life of our minds is consumed by fears that do not relate to the moment that we’re in they’re completely far fetched and it gives rise to all kinds of phobias yeah and all kinds of anxieties my daughter sometimes describes the anxiety that she can conjure up when she’s afraid to go some place because the people there won’t like her our minds are so powerful we can construct whole scenarios with other people in them where things are happening at present tasks that paralyzed us from taking one step forward you see and you know this is the nature of anxiety disorders and panic now you know I can’t diagnose that and I can’t really speak to a culturally but we can just look at how technology has changed our sense of reality our experience of reality and %HESITATION we even invented a new fear fear of missing out right fear of missing out some low which means I see something on social media and I feel that I’m left out because that’s not where I’m at or what my life looks like so yeah we’ve adapted you know as being so that we have this capacity for survival and now in this age what we have to I believe cultivate in ourselves is the ability to be present because in this moment right now are you afraid right now now is there any threat right now no there never really is if we can live here moment after moment then we stay out of this ego driven thinking mind their ruminations and we live here where everything is okay right now and we can handle that right now it’s not scary right now that’s how in the practice that I follow we moved from fearfulness to fearlessness just by staying right where we are when we say it a lot we talk about the fear of the unknown the future and that’s in our community %HESITATION that is where we find a lot of fear yeah and yet if we stay right here if we stay here is there anything here that you don’t know now you see so this is how it is medicine we need a medicine we say meditation practices and medicine for sickness and to anticipate what we don’t know in can never know if we you know strangle and suffocate paralyze ourselves with that state of mind then we need a medicine and the medicine is to just be awake right here where you are attention right here where you are it’s not very complicated it’s a very simple solution it’s very hard to to you mentioned I me mine secure and defend and out what might happen what we might lose what we might what might be in the future and %HESITATION just automatically that I think of you know as far as our journey with lamb not only just the unknown of what will happen next in his life but just like we always talk about just the IDPs I’m trying to think about you it is it’s a secure and defend that I personally always go in and with I’m really working on it for this year %HESITATION but but I %HESITATION I always go out because I was kind of %HESITATION I went in very naively the first time just kind of trusting and then once I was knocked down a couple times I started to just put this armor on and it’s just I’m gonna secure and defend his right to an education secure and defend his place in an inclusive classroom and it’s not a it’s not a peaceful a an easy feeling it’s %HESITATION and I don’t can you have that intention with the peaceful and easy feeling because how I go into it is you know I’m just I’m armed have got my armor of of laws and rights and they’re all there to just defend and log in it absolutely comes from fear it comes from yes fear of my son not being an an inclusive classroom and getting an education or being seen as equal you’re afraid that you won’t get what you think is right yeah yeah see that’s right there you have to own that that is first up on the air freight area and that your fear is based on getting what you want to get now none of that is wrong but I’ll tell you that we sometimes we’re really afraid of saying that we’re afraid and so how do we begin to unlock that how do we begin to disarm ourselves you know I would suggest that what you consider doing a site I’m afraid and then define what you’re afraid us instead of initiating combat you know that’s very disarming also to the other people that you encounter to be able to say I’m afraid I found this out for myself because I would never say that and there’s something else that I would never say I would never say I’m angry when in fact I was angry and in my relationships with people they would say are you getting mad and I take no no I’m not you know and particularly my daughter would say mommy are you are are you happy right now should say and I say oh sure but she could tell so I think that the first step is to recognize the root of your position and if it’s ego trip fan that doesn’t mean selfish it just means you have a point of view and you’re advancing that point of view you’re advancing what you want we justify our position by saying that it’s right where that is fair or that it’s legal or that it’s what should be done we we justify it by all sorts of words but at the root of that your freight and that fear leads to anger so you’re angry too yeah yeah what I found in my conversations with people is that I think if I could say that not in an angry way if I could just say I’m angry it was like a temperature reading in other words it would let people know the temperature that I was at not that I was an enemy or that I was going to explode or that you know I was a danger but that I was angry or that I am afraid see that reveals your vulnerability and that keeps the opening for people to respond to you not as an aggressor but as a non aggressor you see to be able to say that that’s useful in a lot of ways and it’s useful in your your relationships that’s useful in your relationship the two of your relay relationship you know how many times my husband is said to me are you mad I mean does that ever happen to you Laurie we’re gonna send you M. S. but I would always say no and then I would you know like I could fool anybody yeah I used to I used to do that and then I realized I didn’t fool anybody I do I’ll say no I’m good I’m good like I’m going to get through it on my own or something and then it’s just gonna you know it’s faster and and and explode someplace else yeah but when you talk about actually telling people across the table that I’m I’m afraid I have fear of right now I have fear of something and you say it does open up our vulnerability innocently talk here last time yeah but it also as someone who feels like the negotiator in the room it feels like he that’s a law that you’re breaking that you’re that you’re you’re feeling your hand or you’re you’re not you’re not doing a poker face you know but when you stated the way you do it makes sense it makes sense that the reaction would be oh no I don’t want to be afraid of what what can I do to calm your fears and I think in reality sitting in that room I think there’s a park is automatically I will go back to that do I trust because we’ve had that situation we’ve been open before and want some goes on and out immediately like I get on my neck my hair stand up because it’s like oh we’ve heard that before its own you know that there’s a lack of trust that’s been built but again that’s not necessarily the same people and what you said that you’re there and you’re feeling fear and you don’t want to say that you’re feeling fear because you’re basing it on what’s right or what you feel is the law or whatever it is but there’s also that Ankara why am I so afraid why do I have to feel the sphere why has the situation become something other than what it’s supposed to be there’s no like I’m sweating bullets and it’s and it’s your fault right what can I get mad yes you do now I see that you can just see the through line here here is the basic ground if you go Laurie you have something that you’re pushing for and that you want is it appropriate absolutely however that’s then gives rise to this what if I don’t get it what if you don’t get what you want and you’re imagining in your mind you’re saying I know what I should get and I know what I want and I know what’s right yeah let me tell you there’s not a single world war that’s ever began that didn’t have that logic apply to it you see this is my right you know this is the law you know blahblah blahblah blahblah so just recognize that you’re here of what you might not get my fear of what could happen my fear of the future is at the root of this so let’s turn first and face it face it I’m afraid I’m afraid for my son I’m afraid that he won’t learn what he needs to learn I’m afraid that he won’t developed in a way that enhances its life right for the pain that he’s going to indoor yeah I I’m afraid for his well being I’m afraid for how this year is going to go I’m afraid that you won’t be able to teach him I’m a for me it has all kinds of expressions that it can take but recognize that that’s at the root now here’s very rational you see we can rationalize fear and we could justify fear anger is also very rational and we can always justify your anger however what comes from it what comes from it you see he’s is here it’s always here we exclude ourselves from it we exile ourselves from it this is all we know right here right now and that’s all you’ll ever know show be honest now be opened now unafraid now unafraid to reveal to people how you really feel before the anger before the outrage before the frustration the unframed it’s very very hard to do that’s why I do what I do that’s why I practice at least thirty minutes a day sometimes ten hours a day just being where I am as I am I can always handle it now I have to go now it feels like I’m going into a backpack or maybe my luck my luggage is on the curb I have to go women needing around to find something that terrifies me and that you know I’m deeply deeply afraid at bad do it do it all the time I do it nearly every night I just have to recognize that that’s what I’m doing in a way we’re we’re really afraid not to be afraid we think it serves us to anticipate everything that can go wrong in a week we think it really serves as to be very critical skeptical cynical about about how things go and yet it causes us to suffer yeah and I’ve and I’ve had I’ve not always gone my way right and and when we made it through especially in some of the if I just talk about the I. E. P. because you know some of our listeners deal with IT peas and all the emotions that go with it but the truth is every time we sit in there you know armored up we still don’t get what we want all the time and we’re still here isn’t that amazing and I’ll go back even further how about when you had that genetic tests top when you had the test and you got the you made it through that when you got the initial diagnosis or the initial news I mean how could you make it through that but you need to yeah this moment has all the powers that you’ll ever need and it and you’re already equipped to handle it hi you you can already get through it it just seems that sometimes what we feel like we need to do is it you know the whole thing about hi %HESITATION proofing or you know we we think that parenting our our our role is to present certain how terrible things from happening most of the things that were afraid of in some sense are gonna happen anyway yeah because life is full of things that don’t go the way we want them to you know where at the same time it’s full of things that are wonderful and can we stay present for everything for every moment your fear is exhausting %HESITATION really you know so killing at so we’re really talking about a matter of life and death here how are you going to live are you going to be a life or you’re going to be half dead stay alive stay alive we talk about if we knew then it’s not really that line isn’t literally stand in the moment but it does shadow that and when we asset to our gas most the time it’s I wouldn’t have worried so much I wouldn’t have been so fearful and I think we’re telling ourselves when asked that question if I knew then what would it be it would be stand the moment yeah yeah it would be it would be yeah you know now we have him there are so many people there are so many ways are so many reasons to never leave your home you can never speak to another human being you know we really create you know were imprisoned by fear and all that life is ever asking you to do your life all your life is ever asking of you is that you put one foot in front of another that you keep moving forward not by leaps and bounds with chest one step at a time and it doesn’t matter I mean we have this notion that we’re supposed to get somewhere you know or get something but it keeps going you see there really is no destination now that we’re supposed to arrive at but if we can keep ourselves not totally unafraid but willing to keep going willing to take a step little by little we will have really served ourselves our life and everyone in it in the best way possible you know when you’re a kid and and and all the monsters are the bad or maybe they’re in the closet you know as long as you don’t look under the bed you’re just going to shake and tremble under your covers right if you go ahead and you know do the brave thing and take a look you’re going to see that that monster that you fear so much isn’t pale the same way with fear you know really look at it and instead of seeing it as this ominous you know gargantuan the worst possible thing you can imagine bring yourself back here take a look at what’s right in front of you trust that trust what’s right for you it’s so simple %HESITATION but it’s very profound now it’s not a journey if you freeze in fear and stop moving I really believe this Liam’s life is leading you into some scary places that you would have never ventured and leading you to trust and have faith and believe in yourself more so than anything you could have ever gotten at any distance say I this is a PhD program Darling I mean it’s major if you don’t come to a place where your heart lightens and your head is less heavy then you haven’t been receiving your lessons you haven’t been taking note of what he’s here to do Missy that often to ourselves we it’s a constant %HESITATION in and out no when we first started to maybe it was that first time in a kindergarten where I said I’m just I just want to be angry anymore I was not angry %HESITATION that my son had down syndrome however I do I think that was just something that you know my life and what my life had been I wasn’t going to be told by somebody that my son and have a value at but just the the exteriors that bombardment that happened and I and I think like when I remember at when I said I’m not gonna be angry anymore and that was in kindergarten so we’re going on to fifth grade and it has spent but I think we have been working on not not being angry and it’s funny it is that it is something that we’ve always noticed there’s such a contrast between our home life our personal life or our our family and the real world mostly school I guess it would be mostly school you know some of the the things that we get from the outside world I guess I always felt like I needed to show the contrast but I think what I need to do is eliminate the contrast and not that this exterior come into the interior which I believe it has to some extent it couldn’t have not but for this interior to seep into the exterior would be the ultimate goal so be honest a transparent the real you know it’s possible to say all of those things I’m sad I’m hurt I’m disappointed I’m afraid you can say all of those things you can be all of those things I mean that’s a start that’s a start there are not two worlds there’s not an inside and an outside that Berrier is false you see you live actually in your world and each of us lives in a world that’s not exactly the same as anyone else after all Stephen doesn’t see an experience the world from your position no nobody does but bring clean had a harmony now I said that the ground of ego the ground deaths I you see I that language is always wanting something I want I want I want I want we see that two year olds are three year also but we still continue that I want I want something different I want my way I want what’s right I want what’s fair and I want it now but when that would quite that a little bit and we’re no longer so self identified with that point of view I have to search at sea then what opens up is a selfless state that doesn’t mean that you become a doormat %HESITATION people take advantage of you it just means that your your mind is open you’re not consumed by fear and desire and then you act Charlie spontaneously just your presence in a non distracted non judgmental way is compassion so people see you and relate to you in an entirely different way they see that you care and that changes how come I can remember %HESITATION this was it’s embarrassing for me to admit but I was %HESITATION I’m a was always apparent that wrist I still am the doer you know the fixer %HESITATION I was the manager I would spend time anticipating what was needed and lining things up and so forth and %HESITATION one time my daughter and I were having a conversation and we were talking about something and and she was upset she was you know kids are upset a lot especially teenage girls and %HESITATION she said something about her dad and I support your dentist doesn’t care about that I knew exactly what I was saying and she said to me yes yes he does he just cares by caring and I was she’s she’s nailed me on that one because the way I demonstrated the care and concern that I had was by overdoing over thinking over planning you know over managing and she had seen and could tell the difference between that which was I was doing all those things for me to make me feel less afraid and she saw her father just the pure state of it see or or or caring or love it didn’t have any of those extras but I was always attending to thanks I see Steven nodding right now because he knows his experience that that he can relate in a way that I found as of high functioning mother that I could not relate I was too scared I always have to get ahead of something you know figure something out have a plan so yeah we care by carrying and that actually compresses the whole timeline right back into this place we’re talking about right now can you be compassionate and care and listen and be open without going into this territory over here in the future we’re somehow there’s better outcome exists we’re trying to maneuver right here so that we can get a range for the future delivery of something that we want it doesn’t even matter whether I think I’ve been a good mother my nature my I’ve practiced being what if we used to call them you know over to you now it may seem as though you have to overachieve Laurie but if you if you’re wrapping up in that direction the only direction to go is to back up a little bit just back up a little bit we call this in my practice it’s it’s an actual you know kind of philosophy that we’re supposed to follow something we put into practice take the backward step and turn the light inward I have to examine myself where am I coming from am I coming from that place where what I’m aiming for is really to serve myself to relieve my fear and anxiety now to manufacture some better outcome said I feel less afraid it’s most of the time it’s most of the time that I have to take a backward step and turn the light inward and see that I’m overstepping I like that a lot I have to I am I know I’m over I feel like I’m over here smiling as you say these things and it feels a little inappropriate because what you’re saved maybe we might not be construed as a positive %HESITATION but yes spot on and I’m I’m smiling because our daughter had a six feet apart while we’re doing this yet a sixty M. as the first one with her two best friends in like a year and you know normally I am you know when she was little I would she did just have she didn’t have to have imaginary friends because I would lose should be like mom B. correlative ill and I had a coat to match and I would be Cruella deville or mom be Peter Pan be captain hook and I would be that character so she had like a perpetual Disneyland vaudeville show yeah at all times and one time I realized that I was like wait if I’m if I’m Peter Pan who are you and she said I’m so feel walking around what Peter Pan and I was like no you have to be like Wendy or someone I think you have to be so I’m not you know and and so that was that but today because we’re we’re in the process of a lot of changes her friends came over and I was so unprepared but immediately I was like oh I have to make snacks what can they do it and I just instead of it just being three girls sitting six feet apart plain mad libs on their phone it was so what like I need to bring it up here there’s that over and I’m so aware of the over compensated in so you know for full disclosure I was adopted I was taken from my mom when I was four years old I lived through a series of %HESITATION unfortunate foster families before landing and not the best situation so as a parent and this is for it at you know I’m gonna be honest here because this is life is not perfect %HESITATION but as as a result of not knowing or feeling like I didn’t know what to do I knew what I wasn’t going to do but not and then also over compensating for maybe what I would I wanted when I saw my friends experience and things like that as a child growing up I in turn have over compensated for thirteen years thank for thirteen years just trying to trying to do it right because there was a feeling that I was in complete I didn’t know how to do it I had hoped carried so much negative that was M. put onto me you know that that this was the only way that I could not be that was to be this right N. and so when you’re saying all this it’s a it’s absolutely absolutely but you know you guys have talked earlier about %HESITATION fear because I know we’re gonna bring this straight back to fear %HESITATION but you were talking about how fear this suited humanity in a time when they had to fear for their existence when they had to escape the saber toothed tiger then the end that doesn’t necessarily in that form still exists but what about for those people who still have that saber tooth tiger who are still fighting for their survival and if not doing that now but if at their foundation was that %HESITATION feeling of having to fight for their survival because I know I know that that plants things and you know I have a I have a very %HESITATION I’ve always had a confident feeling that however my mother was for those four years did Love Me because I feel like that was planted in me and that was my stress I and this is you know I’m talking about a kid this is what at this is kind of making hide nor hair of the whole situation in piecing it together at the only thing I could come up with was she must’ve loved me for those four years because I wasn’t broken and cease and so when you guys were talking about we don’t have to fight for survival anymore in that sense I think there is that there is a part of humanity that either it still feels like they have to still might have to %HESITATION or came from a place where they did and so how do you on route what’s been planted well the question is this fear Sir if you I don’t know if I would ever admit that I was afraid but there was a heightened sense of the situation that definitely made me in tune with what I needed to do in order to survive that make it that was then yeah yeah you see that’s that clarity that we have to come and the choice that as adults we can make you know to really examine that to really examine our fear to really examine our anchor to examine those aspects of ourselves that are learned their condition to behaviors but when they no longer search you know when they no longer serve you to examine that pattern interface set and then be able to unwind and let go of the past now I can tell you that if an earthquake you know where to come in a minute which frankly the only place in the world that people are not afraid of earthquakes is the price they actually happen so we could having an earthquake any minute you say you would know exactly what to do you know you would right show you have this capacity to five a circumstance whether you will or not I don’t know if we all have that you know what I used to see it sometimes asses I could I would be confused as a mother you know was I %HESITATION you know how much is too much and how much was too little but then I realized that if I were to watch my child run out the front door and onto the sidewalk and into speeding traffic I would run after her and I would yank her it’ll arm so hard you see to drag her out of harm’s way if I could and that would be without a thought you see without a thought so we have powers’s you know that will serve us in times of real stress and danger we do and so we don’t have to dream stuff up to help us to survive but does your fear for them yes dear fear for them and the outcome of these days and years and Liam’s life does that serve him or does answer a few and it’s not necessary or is that a negative does is that paralyzing is does it lead to anger does it harm those are things that only you can look at it you have to understand that that’s what’s that’s there always fears the basic ground of the eco self annual he’s having yourself but recognize that it’s a wonderful servant and a miserable master you don’t want to be ruled by then Machen nations of your own ego that never leads to anything but distressed and more fear because that magnifies and a perpetuates the feeling that you live in a dangerous place and everything outside of you is a risk and the threat and you won’t get what you need unless you battle for it we can look at our society because frankly there aren’t very many enlightened people are compassionate people you know leading us and you can see how all ego centric people have perpetuated amplified fear as a way to diminish and divide our country and our culture so you have to you don’t have to but it would be wise if you look at yourself it’s always wise when we look at ourselves and in each moment we have a choice we can go toward the light which is reality okay or we can go toward the dark which is our fear our hostilities are anger or aggression I create in our self service we tell ourselves I tell myself that everything I do is to serve someone else see but even as I say that I see my resentment in oak creek that might in my anger you know I’m I’m I’m so selfless in the way that I hello I’m a wife and a mother and yet I see every single thirty bowls that doesn’t get placed in the dishwasher and that to me is an assault on who that’s how I see it now so well why make a scene you know thank my fast well I’d say that that’s a huge problem that we have to address or will I just realized that it’s only a bowl can I pick it up and ran straight out and put it in the dishwasher most of the time I can but I’m aware of this you know simmering fury when people don’t do things the way I think they should be done and it plays out in everything I have always been aware of the fact that you know when name was born with down syndrome and the message was that he was unwanted there immediately I saw the correlation with the fact that I was actually on wanted I was a child who was unwanted and there was something in me that it that was my that was my fight of nobody wanted me and I I made it I’m here I have a beautiful life and it was definitely dug in to say you can’t say that about him because you don’t know who he will be and what he will bring to the world it didn’t feel like it was a bad thing coming from an ego I felt like it was more you know a mom knowing first hand what it feels like to be told you’re not wanted and what that could do because I have seen what that does do in real life to narrow typical human beings who are told they don’t have a value and are unwanted and that has always been at the bane of not necessarily the fight like when I go in to an I. E. P. but definitely at the bane of that nobody can tell me my son doesn’t have value because he’s going to determine his quality of life and he has that power I’ve always known that he has the power to create his life and say who he will be just like I had that because words were spoken over over me that were very similar to the words that are spoken over my son by people that don’t know him so that is definitely at the foundation of not necessarily the fight for an education but definitely the mindset of he will determine what his life will become yeah that’s wonderful it’s wonderful that you see that that’s very useful that you see that because now you can see that that’s not true it’s certainly not true now are you left now Lori revalued yes yeah is your life full definitely to you know longer need to defend against that and you don’t need to defend it for them is the unlocked mmhm yes yes if you secure yes he wanted mmhm you say I really do believe that your sincerity and your your real open heartedness your sensitivity as parents delivers that message loud and clear and %HESITATION I don’t worry about them but there is much cheaper of your life that you can reclaim and %HESITATION I think Liam is a vehicle is a portal for you we are all actually in the business I realized of parenting ourselves hearing ourselves ruling ourselves I was very grateful %HESITATION that Tara you know when my daughter learned fractions in third grade that I could return them myself you see and that you know her fourth grade science was an opportunity for me to be excited about fourth grade science and in all the way said I have fun are all the experiences that I’ve had in parenting the first thing I think I learned was to forgive my parents for all the shortcomings that I imagine that they might have settled me with our older mistakes we come to life to learn and the most important thing to learn is who we are and what we really are and to forget those things that no longer service no longer apply I just want to curse you it seems as though you’re ready to go deep you know you’re willing to go deep to %HESITATION except recognize to realize actualize who you really are and %HESITATION who you really are is more than enough who you really are as flux what you really are as love unencumbered by sheer or reservation so the more you move toward that accepting and tolerant empathetic sympathetic compassionate even minded you’re a wonderful weekend in the world not chess to your family or to those who are in a similar circumstance to you and for whom you advocate you can change minds and hearts and %HESITATION I hope to use that power I’m just absorbing so much for today because in my brain I think that that’s a human living a life you know I think when I turned twenty I started to read every self help book you could possibly you know that’s how I just was like well what was that all about he just tried to sift my way through and and you get to a point where you think you’ve really come through and then to look at life and to just say part of it is learning from the past I have learned that I’ve seen that and then but not being rolled and to be able to let go of that like what if what if I was right here without thinking about what was done or said to me in my life what F. I was just present with lamb all the time instead of worrying about what could be taken from him are defending maybe because I don’t want him to be on that path for him to feel that what would that look like let me tell you what it would look like Laurie it looks like this this is reality right now okay are you okay right now can you handle this right now yeah yeah of course you can’t it’s only ever now it’s only ever a moment that’s shocking given how much we prepare to live someplace else and all we ever are is in the now where we can handle it well we’re not talking about this we’re talking a similar scenario that see unimaginable that we’re is so frightening that just yeah yeah well see we have to pull ourselves back here pull ourselves back here pull ourselves back here I want to tell you I mean I was really screwed up and screwed up I I’m a crazy person with a practice in my practice is to come back here and give my complete attention to what appears in front of me which is always perfectly ordinary very normal it’s not anything fancy or you know it’s not some sci fi thing okay and what I want to tell you and what now your job is to believe is what I would say two PM but Liam knows this already you’re perfect as you are you are perfect as you are that doesn’t mean better than it means complete you black nothing your life lacks nothing your needs are met you are loved you belong your included now take care that you don’t think otherwise this is a journey to becoming yourself each of us is on a journey we think that this path this is in order to what produce people produce other people give birth and then shape some life but every life is perfect as it is every life is complete all the potentialities are there so study yourself why these to yourself recognized in every moment that you have the choice to go toward light or to go toward dark and keep moving step by step into a world that is saner safer more loving less afraid that world is not some other world it’s your world it’s the world you live in right now when you change that whole world changes you know really stuck with me last time we talked as when you said let’s be friends and it really it it does take that with me and %HESITATION and we’ve never we’ve never met but it’s at but I feel close to you and I feel grateful for you you know that’s what happens when people don’t pretend to be who they are not you know it’s like we’re all naked you know on the same road and nothing hidden no no nothing contrived as actors you should aspire to that phone ability is what that’s all about and it’s it’s so funny because even says about we’ve never met but you feel like a friend there something that you know my life my past there’s a few people in my life that know it but it’s something that I keep up very quickly don’t talk very much about it I don’t and I’ve given it this like power and as you know as we’re talking it’s a I just feel like I’m not the only one who’s lived this path I’m not the only one and there’s a comfort level to just just let go of whatever power I have given to whatever was there because in the in the moment I always got through it and then at some point I’d let it have power to become some kind of sick secret or something that made me less then %HESITATION and it’s not it’s just my journey yeah and %HESITATION it’s the monster under the bed you know it’s the shadow side and that yeah that’s why we moved for the light and look here you know it’s always right right so it’s not some kind of you know blue light it’s the you live here in this light where things are exactly as they they are it it doesn’t mean they’re not shadowed her cloaked in fear yep right here you’ll always be okay so live in the place that you’re okay not in the place that you’re not okay you know live here and don’t go up there into the attic I say I tell people it’s the attic you go up there and you rummage around and you find %HESITATION but remember that time when such as how happened and yeah that’s what we do but that’s not who we are yeah an anti because we’re coming up on I just remember this today I want to share this with you my mother died when my daughter was a year and a half old so we had I had this very brief time period within which I recognized how important my mother was unfortunately I was in the mid life you know I was forty I recognized how much I needed her you know how important she was to me and it was the end but %HESITATION she died now it’s twenty years ago that my mother died and I will share with you the last words that she said to me the last time I saw her which was around this time of year she said be yourself and take good care of your family and it was some time after that that I realized that she had said it all here I had spent a good part of my life trying to become someone and I wasn’t you know succeed because it’s something we recognize be validated you know be important and as a mother she wished me her highest wish that I could realize you know for myself all she ever wanted from me was that I be myself and then when you are truly yourself you can really take good care of your family you know exactly what to do you get out of the way and you’ll go ahead and load the dirty dishes you see and %HESITATION I realized at some point that she was my first and greatest teacher so I’ll leave that with you you don’t have to the better you have to be smarter you don’t have to know more you don’t have to get someplace else just be yourself that in itself is how you can take care of your family.

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